Confessions
by SBosco
Summary: Something i thought of....


Disclaimer/Whatever~ You should know by now that all I do with this is complain and act like a smart@$$, so, just read the story and enjoy! REVIEW! Haha::  
  
Chapter One~ Confessions-  
  
'Never made it as a wise man, couldn't cut for a poor man stealin', tired of livin' like a blind man, I'm sick of sight, without a sense of feeling, and this is how, you remind me of what I really am...'  
  
I stood there, frozen. I didn't know how much time had passed, and, I didn't care. Everything around me, went blurry, as I stood there.  
  
"It's like a short movie, of all the bad crap you've ever seen in your life, playing over and over in your head." I hate admitting people are right, but, Sully's friend, was right.  
  
The kid was only trying to help, what he thought was helping. Trying to be there for his family..was only hurting his family, and everyone else in the process.trying to do something.I stood there, frozen.  
  
The apartments burned, as I watched. People ran all around me, some shoved me, tried getting my attention, get me out of the way. I just stood there, frozen.  
  
They don't train you for those things, in the academy. They don't tell you everything you see, everything you go through. They just show you how to hold a gun, make you take a few tests, and, slap you on the back, on your way out the door. They don't tell you, how not to stand there, frozen.  
  
I don't know what everyone else was thinking, I don't know if I really care. They saw what I had, and they couldn't be any better off, then I am. At least they didn't stand there, frozen.  
  
I cant think about this anymore.. (Bosco slams the door to his locker, curses, and lets the door close quietly behind him.)   
  
"The little things, little things, They always hang around, the little things, the little things, they try to break me down, the little things, little things, they just wont go away, the little things, little things, made me who I am today."  
  
What did I think? Even if I knew the answer to that, I couldn't begin to tell you. I had never seen anything so horrible in my life..well.maybe one thing.  
  
Everything I had learned in school, from my partner, life experiences, couldn't have prepared me, for what I faced earlier.  
  
I don't know what a person can think about that. What happened? I was so in control, but, I wasn't. How is that possible?  
  
I know I was helping. I can remember Doc yelling orders at me, screaming that, I wasn't being quick enough. I remember giving a couple of people morphine, when, I wished I could be taking it myself.  
  
What was I thinking? I'm a damn paramedic! I shouldn't be self centered like that.  
  
I saw the officers, standing in the middle of the road. Faith and Sully, were directing traffic, Davis, was yelling at people to stand back. And then, there was Bosco. He looked like, I felt.  
  
I can't believe I'm about to say this, but, what if we shared something out there? What if, we all couldn't think, breathe, or even conceive, what was going on? Maybe I wasn't the only one silently cursing myself, for not being able to keep my mind on my job, keep my composure at the hospital.  
  
Maybe I should stop thinking.  
  
School doesn't show you what happens out there, but, makes a pathetic attempt, of preparing you, for the real world. What the hell was I thinking? Maybe I wasn't thinking, maybe, thinking is my problem.  
  
I don't know, I'm getting out of here, I need to think some more.  
  
(Carlos walks away, still shaking his head.)   
  
"I wish that I could fly, fall upon my knees, find a way to lie, bout a home ill never see.I'm only a man, in a silly red sheet, searchin' for kryptonite, on this one street, Only a man, in a funny red sheet, and it ain't easy, to be.me.."  
  
Why cant I get those damn words out of my head. My head is killing me. I need a beer. No one, not even Davis, can stop me from doing that.  
  
Why didn't I do something? I could have shoved people out of the way, like he was doing. I could have kept my head, like Faith. I could have actually helped, like Doc and Carlos were.  
  
What the hell is the matter with me? I'm not incapable. That's why I need the damn bottle! Nobody understands what I go through.  
  
Every time I see..blood.It comes back to me. How could I let her die? How could I just stand there, let the woman I love.be murdered? What the hell is the matter with me!  
  
I didn't even answer Kim, I didn't move out of the way, when, I knew she was screaming at me to.  
  
Jimmy waved his hand in front of me, like I was insane.  
  
Curse Them! Those kids don't know what the hell I've been through.  
  
Curse Them, trying to get me to move.like I'm a waste!  
  
What the hell is the matter with me? My partners needed me, and I couldn't even answer them. I was to focused on my own problems, when, I could have really done something, for a situation that was going on in front of me. Right in front of my face!  
  
I let Them do it! Everything good in my life dies! It's a wonder Davis is still standing.he almost wasn't. I almost killed him.  
  
What the hell is the matter with me? I let the people I purposively love, get into trouble.and then, I blame Them, for my not being there!  
  
What the hell is the matter with me.  
  
I need a beer.  
  
(Sully rubs his head, and throwing his coat over his shoulder, he walks out of the room, still mumbling.)   
  
"Love's the only house, big enough for all the pain in the world, love's the only house, big enough for all the pain.I can't explain it, and I can't understand..But I'll come down and get my hands dirty, and together, we'll make a stand."  
  
'God, I look old.' Who the hell is that? I'm looking in the mirror, but, I don't know who I'm seeing.  
  
Nine years ago, I stepped out of a cab, and looked up to the doorway, of what was to be my pride. I don't know if I can do this anymore. So much has happened, what could possibly go wrong next?  
  
I should have kept the baby. Who knows, like Bosco said, maybe we could have managed, maybe we could have gotten by. Fred and I are still together, I mean, that says something.doesn't it? I don't know anymore.  
  
That kid, he reminded me of someone. I couldn't think of who, until just a few minutes ago. Emily.  
  
Emily isn't the girl that I have known, since that day in late eighty seven.  
  
Fred, ha, he was the happiest I had ever seen him. And that's saying something. He was losing it, when his team won the championship.  
  
No, this was different. This was life, at its greatest moment.  
  
Sounds like a Hallmark card, but no, he was so happy.we were. God, I miss those days.  
  
You know when everything is going wrong in your life, and, you don't think it could any worse? That's how I am now.  
  
I saw that kid, wondering, what would Charlie and Em, be like, later on in their lives. Could what Fred and I have gone through, really effect them, the way it has Bosco? Making them hate the world, lose faith in people. I never want my kids to feel that way.or to feel lost.scared even.  
  
We've got to hold onto our kids, thank God everyday, that they are with us. And, hope for better days, more memories.  
  
I don't know if it's going to get any worse, I don't think I want to know. All I need, is my family. Fred, Charlie, and Em. And.maybe I need my partner, too.  
  
How am I ever going to prove to him that, I still need him? That, if it weren't for him being there all these years, I probably wouldn't have come this far?  
  
Is there really a way to make everyone happy, without making the world a bad place to live in?  
  
We need to hold our kids..we have to..I will.  
  
(Faith nods to herself, bringing her out of her thoughts, and, walks out of the locker room.)   
  
"I cant believe that we would lie in our graves, Wondering if we had spent out living days well, I cant believe that we would lie in our graves, Dreaming of things that we might have been.."  
  
Why do they have to make these lockers so damn small? I cant even fit my jacket in it....  
  
It must have been horrible, living the way that kid did. With no parents to care, no where to go, to turn.  
  
I've always had someone there, no matter what I have done wrong, someone, has always been there.  
  
Kim, is probably the most amazing person I have ever met. Of course, Faith has to be great too, dealing with that idiot everyday.  
  
That kid though.what could possibly have sent him over the deep end? You'd think he'd adjust to life that way. Or, at least do everything in his power to make it better..I know I would have.  
  
I know what Kim is thinking. Joey. How could we not be thinking of him, at a time like this?  
  
Joey though, he's a great kid..sure, he's had his rough days, but, who the hell hasn't? He still never tried killing anyone, or, set a fire-  
  
Oh my god, what if...No, Joey wouldn't grow up to be like that kid.could he?  
  
What if.No, I cant think like that. There cant, wont be, any what if's. After all, what do we have, if not, each other?  
  
Joey, what if he's watching this on the news? How can I explain this to him? How can I tell him that, no matter how lost, how helpless he feels, that, I'll always be here for him. I wouldn't dream of not being there.  
  
God, I love that kid. More then life, itself.  
  
What if..No, no more what if's.only..what can's, and what will's.  
  
(Jimmy shoves his cologne back into the locker, and, jogs down the steps, out the front of the firehouse.)   
  
"I am a lighthouse, worn by the weather, and the waves.I keep my lamp lit, to warn the sailors on their way.I'll tell you a story, paint you a picture from my past.I was so happy..But, joy in this life seldom lasts."  
  
Ok, now what? I've loaded and prepped the bus up.I don't know what else to do. I've got to keep my mind off of it. What happened. Didn't happen.  
  
Did that kid actually smile? Was he really proud of what he had caused? Enough pain, misery, has already been brought to this city.  
  
What made him think he could be God, decide who lives, who dies.I don't even know what I'm saying. But, if I keep thinking something, I wont do anything irrational.  
  
Did that kid achieve what he had been aiming for? Making women cry, kids scream for their mom's, and dad's.Making everyone who was called to help, doubt themselves..and what they were capable of?  
  
I cant even.What the hell has life come to, if you cant even feel safe in your own home?  
  
And carlos..that kid..I don't even think he knew what was going on. He just kept throwing things at me, as though, that would calm him down. He ended up giving me the complete opposite of what I actually asked for.  
  
I cant even.I used to be good at this.I.I used to know where I was going, who I was going with, and, what I wanted for my life..Now..I cant even.  
  
Everyone tried, I know they did. I know, they're probably blaming themselves.I cant even.blame them.  
  
People wouldn't stay away. I had never become that frustrated. With Carlos handing me the wrong things..the bystanders trying to see what was happening, like, it was a movie or something.  
  
I cant even.I cant even guess, what everyone else, must be thinking.  
  
Maybe its better, that I don't know. I know the facts, that's all I need to know.  
  
I cant even.Imagine what I would be doing right now, it I didn't have at least that.  
  
It's times like these that, I wish Melinda was still here. She would know what to do, how to make me feel as though, I was everything. I know I'm not, but somehow, it wouldn't matter..being wrapped up in her arms. I cant even imagine what life would be, if I was still with her.  
  
Monty Parker.EMT..There has got to be a better way then this.  
  
I'll figure it out, sooner, rather then later.  
  
(Doc takes a deep breath, jingles the keys he's been holding, and, walks calmly down the sidewalk.)   
  
"It's a long road, when you face the world alone, no one reaches out a hand, for you to hold.You can find love, if you search within yourself, and the emptiness you've felt, will disappear..."  
  
If that song has any point at all, I don't know it.  
  
I've spent my whole life, looking up to someone, who, I found out now as an adult, I don't really know at all. My Dad was always secretive about something.I just thought the job got to him, and, he didn't want to share the details.  
  
Maybe, except us kids, the job was the only thing that saved him.  
  
I don't know anymore. Everything I knew, or, had even come to love, has either died, or pissed off at me.  
  
I mean, how can a man do that? To his own family? I.would never do that.  
  
Sully has told me that, he took good care of his family, he loved us all. But, I don't know if that's true, or, just his wishful thinking.  
  
The thing that bothered me about that kid..besides the fact of what he had managed to do, without anyone being able to stop him.was.I saw myself in him.  
  
I mean, how the hell is that even possible! I am an officer of the law, I obey the orders given to me..most of the time.and, I think I'm an ok person.right? Wait, why am I asking myself that question.  
  
I mean, yeah, we have all had that moment, where, everything in the world seems dark, and, there doesn't appear to be a way out..So, why even bother moving on? But, there are some things that, even terrorists couldn't take away from us.Love.  
  
I mean, even as a kid, I wanted to do something that, would piss everyone off, pay them back for what they had put me through.But, those moments of anger, would soon be replaced by hope...My mom would come in, almost every night, talk to me.About our dreams.wishes.memories.I mean, its things like that, that, you couldn't imagine being anywhere, but here.  
  
I mean, I was standing there..watching..I know everyone saw me yelling, but, I wasn't losing it. I should have been..I guess, that's what makes me different. Makes us all different.  
  
I saw Doc and Carlos doing their job, as though nothing unusual was going on.  
  
Faith, taking charge..  
  
And then..Bosco.Man, he didn't look like the guy I have known for almost five years.He just.stood there..  
  
Everyone did everything they could.  
  
I mean, we could have stayed there all night, trying with everything we are, and, everything we have learned..but.it wouldn't have made the least bit of a difference.  
  
What was done, was done.and, there was nothing, we could ever do, that would ever take it back.  
  
I mean, this is life.we move on..At least.I think so...  
  
(Ty shoved the door of his locker closed, sighed, and, started to make his way home. The door, shut quietly, behind him.)   
  
"It's not easy, trying to understand, How the world can be so cold, stealing the soul's of a man.Cloudy skies rain down on all of your dreams..You wrestle with the fear and dbouts..Sometime's it's hard, but, you gotta believe."  
  
I hope mom remembered to pick up Joey..  
  
Damn it! I hate headaches.  
  
You think, they will someday invent pills that work like beer, but, are harmless? Pills that, make you forget about all of the troubles you have, all of the problems in the world..but, instead..make you feel happy, and, love everything, everyone.No matter how stupid, or selfish they are?  
  
Probably not in my lifetime.but, I hope they do in Joey's.. I never want him to feel what I'm feeling, right now.  
  
He's already lost Bobby.watched me go through hell, selfishly..and, he almost lost his father.  
  
God, what the hell have I done to that kid? I love him, but yet, I don't protect him very well.  
  
I still think about Bobby.whenever the sun rises, in the distance..I flash back, to Coney Island.We need to do that again..someday.  
  
I wonder.what would Bobby have done? He would have known how to deal with this..move on..without a scar to show.  
  
He was always so.amazing, to all of us.God I miss him..  
  
I wonder..If I had given him the chance, what would have happened between us? Would we still have ended up at separate ends of the world, living our own lives? Or..not living at all?  
  
Does everything really happen for a reason? I wonder.but, I don't know.. I don't think I want to know, why things happen the way they do.Why, you go through these phases, meet different people.only to have them leave you, almost as soon as you do.  
  
In a perfect world.would life really be worth living? I know that sounds stupid of me..especially after everything I see.day after day.treating injuries, while, trying to still be rational.  
  
I see us all, as peacemakers, as, first responders, and, as heroes.The policemen, strapping on their vests, everyday.not knowing if, they'll be alive later that night.The firemen, going into blazing hell, willingly.just hoping, deeply praying, they'll save lives..and, come out with their own. And, the Paramedics..no matter what the injury, what the case, they, we, take it on..challenging, not only our strengths and courage.but, our skill..  
  
One thing is for sure, though.  
  
You come into this day, into this world, with your heart on your sleeve, your mind open..But, at the end of the day, your heart is torn, your mind, worn.and.you'll most certainly, never be the same..  
  
(Kim smiled slightly, thinking of Jimmy, with his hard head, but, the she and him share together..Then, thinking of Doc and Carlos.Doc, who would, will, never admit to being anything more then the rest of them, and Carlos..fighting, regretting, the choices he's made in the past, but, going to school, and trying to make a better life for himself.  
  
Faith and Bosco..Faith, mother of two, still married, having already conquered fifteen years..dealing with everyday, the fact that, she might never see her children again.and, all the money in the world, would still never be enough, to settle her fears of that truth... Bosco.stubborn as hell, but, one of the most courageous people she knew..Davis and Sully. Davis, having to find his own way in the world, after years, of knowing a one way road..Sully, losing everything he had, just when, he had found the world, could be beautiful...  
  
As she thought of this, she leaned her head, against the locker, silently, deciding something..No matter what they all went through, where, they all ended up going, in their lives.She would stand beside them..Not in front of..or behind them...  
  
With that, she flung her hair back, pulled on her coat, and, made her way home, to Joey.)  
  
  
  
This is something I thought of, while thinking of the episode "After Hours". BUT, it isn't about that episode, and what happened in it.However..there was another incident I invented, leading the characters to think this way.  
  
I hope you like this, and please review!!!! The more reviews, the more ill be convinced to write the next installment.which.might be the incident I was referring to.  
  
~*~Christina~*~  
  
Songs are as listed::  
  
Bosco~ How you remind me- Nickelback Carlos~ The Little Things- Good Charlotte Sully~ Superman- Five For Fighting Faith~ Love's the Only House- Martina McBride Jimmy~ Lie in our Graves- Dave Matthews Band Doc~ The Lighthouse's Tale- Nickel Creek Davis~ Hero- Mariah Carey Kim~ There will come a day- Faith Hill 


End file.
